Nothing, other than the fact that it is for the most part
unworkable.
Ah, I bet that got your attention, and maybe none too pleasantly
at that. Well, for those who are agitated, fret not. I am not going talk (at
least right now) about country borders. But if I am not talking about country
borders, what am I talking about? Let’s start at ground level---thee and me,
and our need for healthy personal boundaries, a kind of border.
Psychologists tell us that personal boundaries are
critical to emotional health and quality relationships. They are the limits we
set in relationships or interactions “…that allow us to protect ourselves from
being manipulated by, or enmeshed with, emotionally needy others.” (John Stibbs.
hiddenhurt.com.uk).
People lacking healthy personal boundaries suffer, and
cause others to suffer. Often weak in self worth, they attempt to fill the void
inside either by allowing their own boundaries to collapse or by invading and
diminishing those of others. Boundary invasions can also be carried out by
people who have adequate self-esteem, but who insist on getting their way by
any means necessary. Guilt trips are a classic boundary invasion trick, as are anger,
a victim posture, ridicule, sulking, and the silent treatment, to name only a
few of the most obvious. They are all disrespectful attempts to manipulate another
person into doing something she does not want to do.
An example of allowing boundaries to collapse occurs when
parents cede control of the house to their children, who dictate to a large
degree what they will eat, what they will watch on TV, whom they will play
with, when they will go to bed, how long they will use their I-pads, etc.
Failure of the parents to agree with the child may precipitate a fit at one
level, or a house-rendering melt-down at another. By not establishing
reasonable limits and enforcing those, the parents have placed themselves in a
well-being deficit, and there is no easy way out. Bad outcomes for the parents
and just as bad for the children, who learn that boundary invasion is a way to
get what they want---a view of life they are very likely to carry into
adulthood.
But it is not only inadequate self-worth, or the desire
to manipulate another, that contributes to ill-defined personal borders. Social
media can dissolve boundaries as well. In a fine article from The Hedgehog
Review, (“Uneasy in Digital Zion”), the authors address the loss of
boundaries that people heavily connected are experiencing. “Among the interview
participants, there was a vague sense that traditional boundaries and norms
surrounding public discourse and privacy were shifting in ways they couldn’t
understand.” One participant commented that she could get lost on Facebook or
other such media. She “…wanted to see herself as an autonomous agent, able to
use her digital technologies with purpose and control. But she consistently got
lost, her attention dissolving as she was drawn into the endless stream of
information on her Facebook newsfeed.” Another participant simply said,
“There’s no boundaries, no boundaries.”
This loss of borders in media access is due in part to
the medium itself, demanding in its addictive attractiveness nearly constant
attention. It is also due to the nature of personal interactions (friending,
etc.) which are similarly demanding. My college students tell me that when
receiving a text from a friend, no matter how unimportant, they must respond
very quickly or face punishment. This is definitely a boundary issue.
The above are just a few examples of how we can lose our
own boundaries or invade those of others in interpersonal interactions. And as the
pressures and uncertainties of everyday life increase, the more we push to get
what we want at others’ expense. The structures, processes and relationships
that once provided a sense of foundation or relative certainty (even if flawed)
are mostly gone, leaving each person emotionally adrift and left to her own
devices. Validation and support do not come from healthy sources, but from our insistence
on getting what we want when we want it. We feel both frightened about not getting
our desires met, and entitled to having them met, breeding a sense of
desperation. Acting out through boundary invasion is a typical response. Unhealthy
for the individuals as well as for the society.
It is clear that all individuals need healthy emotional
boundaries. But where else are borders needed? At any level of interpersonal
interaction, no matter what the form. Families, groups, organizations,
governments all need to have relatively clearly defined borders or their
functioning is impaired. Such borders offer unique challenges, often different
from what we as individuals experience.
I will address these borders in another post.
