In the 19th century novel, Virgin Soil,
Ivan Turgenev's character Nejdanov commits suicide and leaves the following
message: "I could not simplify myself."
His message may resonate with many people, at least at a
much less tragic level. Too much household clutter, too many texts, or too many
children’s events---conditions that can certainly complicate our lives. But
Nejdanov pointedly refers to simplifying himself, his inner condition. Even if
we do not know the story, most of us appreciate Nejdanov’s tragic emotional
condition. And even considering the heavy demands of everyday life today, few of
us are in that sad place. Still, many of us have messy internal states
characterized by psychic complexity rather than simplicity. Chaos of the mind.
I am not suggesting that in general simplicity is better
than complexity, for each has its place, even in the psyche, and I will explore
the simplicity side in a later post. This post focuses on the liabilities of
psychic complexity. Importantly, a person is not either psychically complex or
simple. Most of us exist on a complexity/simplicity continuum. Sadly, we often
fail to recognize the existence of our inner messiness (yes, we all have some) and
its adverse impact on others. This leads to a continual merry-go-round of
interpersonal upsets at home or at work, with friends, and even strangers. In
our ignorance, we are mystified at what is happening. Since the problems can’t
be us,…
For those steeped in formal psychology, a trigger
warning---I am taking liberty with “psychic complexity.” I am using an off-beat
version of it to illustrate in what I think is a unique way how psychic complexity
is evidence of diminished emotional health and is a negative factor in our
relationships. For the same reason, I am intentionally blurring the lines among
psyche, emotions, and mind.
Psychic complexity exists when our inner life is not in
harmony and is not in sync with the outside world. Multiple goals, emotions,
expectations, needs, and motivations swirl around in our mind pulling us into
undesirable states that cause us to act out, harming others. Being mostly unaware
of these conditions, we cannot see the trouble we cause, and thus it continues.
Our poor behavior can arise for many reasons, and a very
important one is that we have needs that MUST be met, no matter what. This
state practically guaranteeing that our behavior will not be fair, reasonable,
accurate or respectful. Examples include the needs to be right, to win, to be
loved, to be perfect, to avoid conflict, or to control.
Think of the person who needs to control---a husband, for
example who must control the TV channels he and his wife watch. When he is
present, he refuses to let his wife even hold the controller device, or removes
it from her hand. He makes unilateral decisions about what to watch, avoiding
or dismissing her input. In his complexity (driven by a psychological dynamic),
not being able to control the channel choice represents a huge threat to his
wellbeing, which takes complete precedence over that of his wife.
Or think of the person who needs to be right. He will use
any tactic, fair or foul, to prevail. His “conversation” is not about
exchanging views or gaining understanding. It is about winning, and only
winning. Recently I was having a discussion with a friend about increased military
spending, something I generally support and something he does not. After a bit
of easy conversation about how we each saw the topic, he started to get angry,
regaling me about how wrong I was and why. The anger was a clear indication
that his mind was off balance, that some need (to be right, to win, to punish
me?) related to my differing view was frustrating him---my view represented a
threat in some way. He was for the moment at least in a psychically disturbed
state.
You might think that the word complexity implies lots of
something, which it often does. In this case, lots of ways a person can respond
to challenging situations. But the opposite is true. Our psychic complexity is
in fact very rigid. The acting out, for whatever reason at whatever level, is
programmed to achieve one outcome---expressing myself in any way I need to to ensure
my wellbeing is maximized. Since my psyche has invested great emotion in a very
problematic inner messiness, I am very likely to run completely roughshod over
anyone perceived to be in my way.
Adverse behavior ranges from very bad to light weight.
Severe examples include sarcasm, anger, ad hominem attacks, the silent
treatment, yelling, blaming, or dismissing. Harmful for sure. Less severe
examples include interrupting constantly, talking endlessly or loudly, not
listening, misrepresenting, counter punching, thoughtlessness, or being
hyper-sensitive to slights. The latter group may not look like a big deal, and
at one level it is not. But even so, the behavior indicates a person whose
attention is not on others, but solely on himself---a common denominator of
psychic complexity, regardless of level.
Nejdanov’s tragic example of psychic disunity is
obviously extreme, and at one level he suffered and died in silence. But today
suffering in silence is rare. We liberally export our messy inner states, even
in the least challenging interactions. And our psychic complexity not only
affects our relations with others, it also affects our thinking. Lacking
attention, awareness and discipline, we see the world filtered through our unchallenged
inner messiness. Automatically, and usually unconsciously, we have a biased
view. We know from the last post on objectivity that such unmediated filtering
is an irrelevant factor, getting in the way of rational thinking or discourse,
and even fairness and respect.
I see psychic complexity as a nearly ubiquitous problem.
Thus it has important implications for society in general and for our relations
with others in particular. Moving toward psychic simplicity now becomes a
critical developmental issue.
