Trust and Interpersonal Conflict

“Are you trustworthy?” is a question likely to elicit unpleasant reactions from many people because in their view of themselves it should be self-evident that they are trustworthy. Unfortunately, such self-evidence isn’t always visible. As I have said in other posts, we all have stories that reflect favorably on us that are at least partially false, and sometimes totally so. The discussion of tolerance a few posts back illustrated just one. Trustworthiness is yet another.

We all know how important trust is both for society in general and for ourselves in particular. People we can trust, on whom we can rely, are clearly deserving of deep appreciation. Seeing the value of this trait, most of us aspire to be trustworthy, and in many ways we achieve this goal. But there is one area in which we often fail, and that involves interpersonal conflict. Before pursuing this, let me define my term.

There are many definitions of trust, but I like this one: it is the felt sense that you can rely on another person to behave in a positive and consistent manner while gently and respectfully holding your vulnerabilities. Being vulnerable and having the complete sense that you will not be harmed is the essence of trust. This idea is conveyed nicely by Duane C. Tway Jr., in his dissertation, A Construct of Trust. He says that trust is “…the state of readiness for unguarded interaction with someone or something.” The key of course is “unguarded.”

Vulnerability, and the trust it can engender, is the ground upon which a quality relationship is built. Clearly, then, trust comes from showing people that you have their well being at heart. That does not mean you do not have your own interests, nor does it mean we do not disagree. It means you will handle my well-being with the greatest gentleness and sensitivity even (especially) when you are most upset with me---doing so demonstrates a person’s commitment to one of the true measures of character. No matter how difficult our disagreement, trust tells me that I can have complete faith that that you will not sacrifice me to expediency, to the need to prevail, or to the need to punish.

Good enough, but there is a caveat. Many people can act in a trustworthy manner if little or nothing is at stake---that is, if they are not under stress. Add stress to the situation and we often default from content conflict to relationship (bad) conflict, a sure crusher of trust. People in bad conflict may like or love each other, but under stress they seldom can be trusted to control their behavior, thereby putting a damper on the quality of the overall relationship. Anger, denial, sarcasm, the silent treatment, interruptions, data dumps, mis-representations, put-downs, and outright lies are just a few of the damaging conflict tactics I have seen in my personal life and with clients. These all serve one purpose---for me to prevail over you, or you over me. A dandy basis for a quality relationship.

Most people I have known, including hundreds of clients, are nice and intelligent folks---and they sincerely want to have respectful and quality relationships. Sadly, it is these very people who resort to the tactics which undermine trust. When confronted with the contradiction, they often heatedly deny what they are doing, deny that what they are doing could possibly adversely impact their spouse, life partner, or friend, or accept what they are doing but argue that they really have no choice. Of these, outright denial of the use of damaging tactics is the most common that I have seen, although the others are not uncommon.

Relationship conflict and the tactics used in its expression damage trust because one or both parties has no interest (at the moment at least) in the well-being of the other. In fact, beyond failing to protect the other’s best interest, there is an active desire to harm the other. Among clients this is vigorously denied, but the message is clear. Seeking to prevail through any damaging tactic is clearly harmful to the individual and diminishes trust. As people engage in relationship conflict, over time even any residual trust is lost, meaning that even if the people (or employees) stay in the game, the overall relationship may be irreparably damaged.

To the degree that we act in this way with friends, relatives or colleagues is the same degree to which our view of ourselves as being trustworthy is false. Such acting removes much (if not most) of the possibilities of having a truly outstanding relationship. Since most of us do desire to have such relationships, the path is clear. That path demands that we acquire the habit of regularly and rigorously critiquing our stories and, for this post’s specific purposes, the story of our trustworthiness most of all. But that is clearly not enough. The path demands further that we act on our new understanding and rid ourselves of the falsenesses in our existence and relationships.

In a very significant way, our happiness and that of those around us depends hugely on whether we can develop trust, which is impossible while certain stories are held inviolate. If you ever find yourself saying, “Oh, I really don’t have any false stories,” I recommend you go lie down until the feeling goes away. Everybody got ‘em.