I Am Effective!! Or Am I??

Like most people, when I think about whether I am effective at something I am the one who makes the judgment. If it were not, who would it be?  

Effectiveness in the general sense is about getting a job or task done, whether it’s repairing a computer, developing a budget, learning Spanish, supporting a loved one, or engaging in self-reflection. And it need not imply a final completion, although it certainly may. Finishing preparing a budget represents a final outcome, but learning Spanish does not, unless, of course, one becomes totally fluent. I progress in learning a language gradually---achieving incremental levels of effectiveness over time. 

Some people confuse effort with effectiveness, a distinctly unwise view. Effort, regardless of quality, is an input. It is often vitally necessary, but cannot be seen as the end point. For example, I know people who say they are on a path to self-awareness---surely an admirable goal. Unfortunately, the inputs are as far as they seem to get. I asked one of these individuals what his goals were, and he stated that he wanted to better understand himself and the things that motivated him. I asked how he thought that was going, and his response was, “excellent.” Inquiring further, I wondered how he was measuring that, and his answer was simple---I am doing all the right things. That is, he is reading the right books, attending the right lectures, belonging to the right groups, etc. Not a thing wrong with what he is doing, but in 15 years he has made essentially no progress in understanding himself, if his behavior is any judge. It is as though he has mistaken the inputs (his efforts) as being equivalent to the actual outcome, greater self understanding. The really important effort, the very hard work of disciplined practice for years, is thus unneeded.  

All effectiveness is determined by the comparison of an outcome (even if partial) with a standard or goal, which can be informal or quite formal. I assess my improvement in learning Spanish on my own very informally, and quite casually, while a boss may assess the work outputs of an employee using various strictly defined methods. In the first case I decide how effective I have become, and in the second the boss (for the most part) decides the employee’s effectiveness. 

This last example addresses the role of others in the determination of effectiveness. Certainly there are aspects of life where I can determine my effectiveness without reference to others. As mentioned above, if I self-study Spanish, I need only please myself. And if I repair my computer, the virus is either gone or it is not. The input of others is not needed to determine if the problem is solved. But many aspects of life call for others to have a role in the effectiveness determination, something we may well dislike because it can contradict how we see ourselves.  

If I have a Spanish teacher, he may have a view of my language progress that does not match mine. Or, consider a real-life example. In the past I offered to help my wife make the bed after the sheets had been washed and dried. She took me up on this, but soon dispensed with my help. My concept of effectiveness in doing the bed did not match hers; in fact, she saw mine as distinctly inferior and, upon reflection, I saw that it was. 

As a consultant to organizations over many years in the area of leader behavior, I have witnessed many examples related to who determines if a particular manager is a good leader. Most managers, regardless of level, think only they (and possibly their boss) determine if they are a quality leader. It is clear on the face of it that this is incomplete at best, and destructive at worst---destructive because the manager may be living an illusion, and he acts on that in dealing with his staff. Without the input of others, mainly those who report to him, he exists as a legend in his own mind. In the minds and hearts of his employees, however, he may be a walking disaster. Managers often discount the opinions of employees, but they do so at their peril. A misbehaving manager, even if good at his job, will not generate the commitment and loyalty needed to produce great outcomes---he will not be a quality leader.  

A question of significant personal import is whether I determine if I am a good husband, an effective one. Surely I cannot unilaterally decide that. Imagine I tell my wife that I am indeed a fine husband, and imagine further that she has decidedly different views. If I insist that my view prevail, I have likely confirmed her view just by that simple act---an undesirable outcome. What happens in many cases with this question? Simply: How can my wife possibly see me as a flawed husband, when I see myself as the pinnacle? I uncritically accept my laudatory view of myself, to which I am deeply attached. She, obviously, has to be wrong. This means that my wife must be led, by any means needed, to see the “correct” view. You can imagine where this little effort is going to go! But that is what happens when we cannot stand the light of reality, when we are unable to give up our precious, and often biased, opinions of ourselves. I cannot become a better husband unless I accept and deal with my wife’s views. That does not mean she is unilaterally correct. But the perceptual difference does mean that something is up between us, and the only way to get at it is for me to let down all the protective barriers. 

You and I, but only to a modest extent, determine our effectiveness when others are involved, whether those are life partners, friends, relatives, or colleagues. But those others usually play a significant role in the determination because they have a vested interest in our behavior. I am not suggesting that others automatically have a more accurate view of our behavior than we do, but the chances are very good that they have an edge on us, mainly because we are remarkably resistant to a true understanding of our own motives and actions, some of which look rather unpleasant.  

Inputs from others, even flawed ones, are vital to becoming a better person. But it takes considerable courage to behave properly when we are the receiving end of undesirable news. Thus, before we can become a more effective spouse or leader, we have to become a more effective listener.