"Conflict is the Beginning of Consciousness"

Given our view of conflict as being something unpleasant, the title quote by psychologist M. Esther Harding may strike some as absurd. But we know that conflict is merely difference, neither good nor bad. What makes it one or the other is how it is carried out by the participants. The quote implies that conflict can be of benefit, but how?

Consciousness generally is the awareness we have of our existence and what is going on around us. When driving a car, we are conscious of being in the car, driving it, and scanning the road and other cars. But we may not be fully conscious of those activities; they may be on automatic as we day-dream or text or talk or listen to the radio, other aspects of consciousness. Not being fully conscious of driving may cause us to make a dangerous maneuver or get into an accident.

Eastern philosophies often emphasize “being in the present moment,” having our complete attention focused on one thing, whether that is sweeping the floor or writing a blog or hugging a child. Animals are masters for existing in the present moment. In my neck of the woods, the desert, cactus wrens build nests in viciously-spiked cacti. Returning to the nest after foraging, they fly at high speed right into the nest, easily avoiding being impaled, time and time again. It is amazing to watch, and impossible for us even if we had wings. Why? Because we are continually distracted, part of our consciousness attending to one thing and part to another. Not really in the present moment. Sort of half-in and half-out.

So, what is the connection with the quote? Stressful situations like interpersonal conflict often call out our less desirable behaviors, many of which arise from our unconscious. Since these actions are out of current awareness, they are deniable. If the actions are not deniable, then the real motives are.

Conflict shows what we are made of, what animates us. Aware of it or not, we expose who we really are in disagreement settings, as opposed to the often positive false stories of who we think we are. Conflict is the opportunity for us to examine our real selves and the expression of that real self, even though the picture may not be pretty. If we dispassionately examine the thoughts, emotions and behavior that contribute to negative conflict outcomes, we may gain an understanding of ourselves impossible in other settings. We will see what causes us to misbehave.

As we are successful with these efforts, our consciousness expands, which is the essence of the quote. We become aware of previously opaque, and often negative, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Seeing ourselves clearly, and being unafraid of that picture, is the basis for adjusting undesirable aspects arising during conflict.

All of our desires to become better people, no matter in what arenas of life, require a similar expansion. Becoming more compassionate, open, fearless, or flexible require an expanded consciousness. And the process is the same in each case. An enhanced awareness followed by action. But learning who we really are and altering how we behave under stress demand great effort. The transition is difficult, lengthy and filled with setbacks. I cannot over-emphasize the need for courage and persistence, qualities not in great evidence these days.

Societies under conflict stress are like individuals. Without an expanded consciousness, they become less civil, less compassionate, less tolerant, more fearful and angry, more hostile and more extreme. The US appears to be in this condition, as does some of Western Europe. Interestingly, each of the two main political groups in the US will agree that such unpleasantness is occurring, but attribute nearly all of it to opponents. In doing so, they abjectly fail to see that their own consciousness has not expanded. More likely it has contracted, leading to yet worse behavior in a near insane, self-justifying, and self-destructive interaction in which both sides participate. The delusion that only the “others” are responsible actually creates the very conditions that all argue need to be changed. It is so much easier to attribute one’s problems to others than to do anything hard and constructive about them for oneself.

For this is where all real positive societal changes come from---you and me, not from grand slogans about everyone becoming more tolerant. Not from groups congratulating themselves on their wisdom and moral uprightness while trashing others. Real social change begins and ends with each of us, acting out our expanded consciousness every day and in every difficult interaction. These interactions are like gold---our chance to practice what we preach. Do we have the courage and persistence?