Honesty

In a recent post I provided David Whyte’s thoughts on honesty, ones strong on psychology. With a lighter, but still important note, a friend wondered what role honesty has when, say, an artist friend asks my opinion about his latest painting, one that I find poorly done. Does honesty compel me to state my opinion exactly and directly? Sure, many might say, he did ask.

When I consciously tell the artist that I think this work is great, that surely is lying. But is that acceptable to spare his feelings? Is lying ever justified by that motive? Personally, I have to say no. But perhaps I have an alternative. What if I don’t lie, but answer indirectly?

Perhaps I say to the artist that I have always enjoyed seeing his new work, or ask him about the inspiration for this particular piece. I am not lying; I have not said anything false or which does not reflect my thinking. I have simply not answered his question, deflecting the conversation slightly. If not lying, am I perhaps being at least somewhat dishonest, at least disingenuous, by withholding what I really think?

There are people who believe you should say exactly what you think and feel when asked, often regardless of the impact on others. Failing to do so would in their minds be lying directly by saying something you do not believe, or lying by omission in avoiding or deflecting the issue. This directness may cause pain, usually unintended, and just as often sincerely regretted. Nonetheless, their main goal in the interaction is to fulfill their own value of honesty. They see honesty as an all-or-nothing affair. You are honest or you are not. While valuable at some level, this view is often inflexible, failing to account for context subtleties.

Context means seeing honesty from the standpoint of compassion, having the well being of the other person in mind at all times. Compassion informs honesty, broadening its scope and depth. Honesty without compassion can be harsh and unkind.

With the importance of the other’s well being as a foundation, context includes a number of elements. The relationship’s established openness and candor level. The expectation of the listener, very different for support than for problem solving. The goal of speaker, such as to be directly honest or to avoid conflict. The urgency or seriousness of the situation. The potential outcome, good or ill, for both parties.

Imagine you ask your small daughter to draw a car, which she does with great delight. What she gives you has little resemblance to a car. Knowing a child’s sensitivity, you do not critique the drawing. Instead, you might ask her about what most interested her in making the drawing, or something similar. That is context. Of course, as the child gets older, a supportive parent may work into constructive critiques, but always sensitive to the situation. No different for adults.

Whyte’s critical observation is that we cannot be straight with another if we cannot be straight with ourselves. The latter condition makes it nearly impossible to address context. For the context factors to be usefully considered, the respondent must have a high level of mental and emotional awareness, and the discipline to implement that understanding.

Imagine you encounter a friend you have not seen in some time, and you notice that he has gained quite a bit of weight. It may be honest in one sense to comment to him that he looks heavier than the last time you met. But that honesty may come at a cost, the possible perception by the friend that you were being unkind. Honesty prevailed over compassion. What was gained by the comment? Was the relationship enhanced?

Or, perhaps your friend asks you directly how you think he looks. You think he may want you to tell him that he looks fine. Do you say what you think, or do you take another tack, as with the artist? As before, what will be gained by telling him your true opinion? Will the relationship be enhanced?

Can we improperly sacrifice honesty to compassion and context? Surely there is that danger if the respondent has little self knowledge, and is unable to make useful judgments about what to say, and how. Such a reaction can result from fear of a potentially troubling outcome, such as an unpleasant conflict scene. Or from an excessive worry about upsetting the other person, even if no overt conflict arises.

And so?

·       Honesty is rarely a matter of either/or.

·       Context is critical in responding.

·       Underlying context is compassion, a sincere concern for the well being of the other person.

·       A healthy contextual assessment is nearly impossible without self-awareness.