Five "Magic" Words to Save Society

A wee bit on the grandiose side? Perhaps.

Few would disagree that society is beset with significant troubles. Increasing hostile political divisiveness, absolute certainty and rightness, inter-and intra-personal dissatisfaction, narcissistic attitudes and impulses and, especially, high levels of incivility, all of which are both causes and effects of social fragmentation.

While formal and informal structures of all sorts make up societies, at root it is individuals and their various associations that often matter most. If a society is fragmenting, and I fear we show signs of that, it is primarily because of the behavior of average individuals towards each other. Large-scale social problems generally arise not at the top of any social system, but at the bottom, although there are obvious connections between the two. Germany’s rise to WWII occurred in part because of the intersection of Hitler’s insane vision with the populace’s increasing fear about the world economic condition, and the perceived loss of national identity caused in part by the Versailles treaty. Lacking that dissatisfaction, Hitler could not have succeeded, as his failures in the early and mid-1920’s show. It was only after the depression had done considerable damage that his message resonated.

Some think that incivility and the associated social fragmentation can be arrested by grand designs and major programs in a top-down fashion. But each side has its own versions of what would work, and whatever is proposed will likely have significant limits and may be applied selectively, depending on one’s political allegiance. Even if everyone were to agree on measures to diminish incivility, in my view no government or societal-wide program is going to change that to any significant degree. Of course, draconian measures a la 1984 might work, but we all know the result of those tactics. Unfortunately, promoters of top-down measures rely on the fiction that those efforts will automatically filter down to us at ground level.

Social fragmentation generally starts at the bottom when one or more groups is dissatisfied enough to begin agitating, often for very good reasons. But in many cases where it may be inappropriate, the dissatisfaction is tapped into by politicos and the media. They can push the aggravated groups to feed increasingly on their own fear and discontent, accelerating the trend into incivility and societal decline. When demagogues dangerously promote other people or groups as the causes of the discontent or at least contributors to it, incivility or outright hostility is encouraged. The more such aggrieved groups there are, and the larger they get, the more severe the fragmentation, until the whole system collapses. But the key is that the promoters of dissatisfaction would, like Hitler in the 20’s, have little impact if the populace was not already agitated, dissatisfied and fearful.

Wide-scale group dissatisfaction such as we are experiencing now is important, but fixing that depends on fixing dynamics at the lowest societal level. It is at that ground level, where you and I meet, that is of greatest concern. It is only there that we have the highest leverage for changing our unfortunately growing incivility to greater caring for each other.As Mahatma Ghandi said:

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world---that is the myth of the atomic age---as in being able to remake ourselves.

Good-hearted and sincere people see aspects of society they don’t like, including the incivility. They display their concern in many valuable ways, often volunteering or working directly on helping people with their dissatisfaction. Additionally, they promote civility to their friends, most of whom share their concerns. Sadly, some of those very sincere and concerned people act in uncivil ways toward those they do not like or whose views they find wrong. On the one hand they want civility for themselves and favored others, and on the other are often unwilling or unable to implement it in their daily lives towards those seen in a less favorable light, perpetuating the incivility problem. But you cannot have your cake and eat it, too. Either civility is a beneficial social construct or it is not. In a healthy society there is no room for a double standard.

Reducing incivility depends on us, and far less on large-scale, top-down programs. We have to change how we interact with each other on a day-to-day basis starting, above all, with those we are closest to and supposedly care most about. Obvious? Sure, but it’s hard to count the number of couples, parents, and friends I have known who are uncivil and disrespectful the moment something in the relationship doesn’t go their way. Some couples or friends have developed highly uncivil patterns of behavior lasting years or decades. Once a person has learned how to be uncivil, it can spread easily. It’s a simple transition from disrespecting someone close to disrespecting someone not close, especially when surrounded with like “thinking” people who may unfortunately encourage such disrespect. If we are sincere about reducing incivility, the obligation coming with that is to change our own behavior.

Perhaps it’s too late to stop the momentum of societal dissolution. But perhaps not if we overcome our own personal contributions to society’s unfortunate state of affairs. We can control only what we do. We cannot control what others do. But maybe we can influence them in behaviorally productive directions by our own choice of actions to be civil in all settings, especially when facing disagreement. Either I am civil to you, regardless of our differences, or I am not. It is these small, personal interactions that are the main drivers of societal civility or incivility. 

Now to my (partial) solution---using 5 important words more often and more sincerely, especially with those whose views or behavior we find odious. But even before using the 5 words, our effort begins by adopting a more humble attitude and demeanor. In this challenging time, we must be especially aware of self-righteousness, taking ourselves far too seriously, which is humility’s enemy, and hostility's handmaiden. Lacking humility, it becomes nearly impossible to use these 5 words sincerely, if they are used at all. Of course, the words won’t change societal incivility much in the short run, but millions making this small, if demanding, effort has potentially great consequence in the long run.

I’m sorry. Thank you. Please.