"Conflict is the Beginning of Consciousness"

Given our view of conflict as being something unpleasant, the title quote by psychologist M. Esther Harding may strike some as absurd. But we know that conflict is merely difference, neither good nor bad. What makes it one or the other is how it is carried out by the participants. The quote implies that conflict can be of benefit, but how?

Consciousness generally is the awareness we have of our existence and what is going on around us. When driving a car, we are conscious of being in the car, driving it, and scanning the road and other cars. But we may not be fully conscious of those activities; they may be on automatic as we day-dream or text or talk or listen to the radio, other aspects of consciousness. Not being fully conscious of driving may cause us to make a dangerous maneuver or get into an accident.

Eastern philosophies often emphasize “being in the present moment,” having our complete attention focused on one thing, whether that is sweeping the floor or writing a blog or hugging a child. Animals are masters for existing in the present moment. In my neck of the woods, the desert, cactus wrens build nests in viciously-spiked cacti. Returning to the nest after foraging, they fly at high speed right into the nest, easily avoiding being impaled, time and time again. It is amazing to watch, and impossible for us even if we had wings. Why? Because we are continually distracted, part of our consciousness attending to one thing and part to another. Not really in the present moment. Sort of half-in and half-out.

So, what is the connection with the quote? Stressful situations like interpersonal conflict often call out our less desirable behaviors, many of which arise from our unconscious. Since these actions are out of current awareness, they are deniable. If the actions are not deniable, then the real motives are.

Conflict shows what we are made of, what animates us. Aware of it or not, we expose who we really are in disagreement settings, as opposed to the often positive false stories of who we think we are. Conflict is the opportunity for us to examine our real selves and the expression of that real self, even though the picture may not be pretty. If we dispassionately examine the thoughts, emotions and behavior that contribute to negative conflict outcomes, we may gain an understanding of ourselves impossible in other settings. We will see what causes us to misbehave.

As we are successful with these efforts, our consciousness expands, which is the essence of the quote. We become aware of previously opaque, and often negative, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Seeing ourselves clearly, and being unafraid of that picture, is the basis for adjusting undesirable aspects arising during conflict.

All of our desires to become better people, no matter in what arenas of life, require a similar expansion. Becoming more compassionate, open, fearless, or flexible require an expanded consciousness. And the process is the same in each case. An enhanced awareness followed by action. But learning who we really are and altering how we behave under stress demand great effort. The transition is difficult, lengthy and filled with setbacks. I cannot over-emphasize the need for courage and persistence, qualities not in great evidence these days.

Societies under conflict stress are like individuals. Without an expanded consciousness, they become less civil, less compassionate, less tolerant, more fearful and angry, more hostile and more extreme. The US appears to be in this condition, as does some of Western Europe. Interestingly, each of the two main political groups in the US will agree that such unpleasantness is occurring, but attribute nearly all of it to opponents. In doing so, they abjectly fail to see that their own consciousness has not expanded. More likely it has contracted, leading to yet worse behavior in a near insane, self-justifying, and self-destructive interaction in which both sides participate. The delusion that only the “others” are responsible actually creates the very conditions that all argue need to be changed. It is so much easier to attribute one’s problems to others than to do anything hard and constructive about them for oneself.

For this is where all real positive societal changes come from---you and me, not from grand slogans about everyone becoming more tolerant. Not from groups congratulating themselves on their wisdom and moral uprightness while trashing others. Real social change begins and ends with each of us, acting out our expanded consciousness every day and in every difficult interaction. These interactions are like gold---our chance to practice what we preach. Do we have the courage and persistence?

Conversations: Restrictive or Expansive

All of us engage in conversations every day, some pleasant and others not so. Those can be light and easy, serious, strained, or even hostile, and many will entail disagreement. We often think of the latter as being unpleasant, and for good reason. Most disagreement conversations usually are. But they need not be if the manner in which we engage is uplifting and expansive rather than restrictive and punitive.

In the latter, things quickly degrade into a zero-sum condition, a conversational death spiral. In this “I-win, you-lose” mentality, each party seeks to prevail and often to crush the other. The quality and amount of information articulated, openness to contrary views, and clarity all decline, if they were present at all. Each party demonstrates his disdain and disrespect for the other, as well as for his views. Each is operating from a defensive position that produces only hostility and resentment. And the more emotion present, the worse the combatants’ behavior.

In a restrictive conversation there are one or more negative goals (although the parties usually deny this): To show the other person he is wrong, to convince him to change his mind, and to punish him. Some people who engage in restrictive conversations argue that they are polite and respectful while disagreeing, and thus cannot be seen as engaging in unproductive exchanges. While they may be polite, the game is still “I-win, you-lose.” Real openness is absent in spite of the politeness.

But what is wrong with trying to convince another person that he is wrong, or to change his mind? Isn’t that part of what happens naturally when people disagree? It can be. And it may not always be problematic. But it is surely so when the underlying motive is to win, prevail, or crush the other person. Before convincing another that your take on something might be better than his, you must first understand his perspective in detail. Otherwise you are operating from a view that is incomplete, if not totally wrong. Naturally, the other person will object, leading to an undesirable and disrespectful result.

Hence the need for thoughtful questions, respectfully delivered.

But restrictive conversations are seldom characterized by questions that expand and illuminate unclear or complex issues. Neither party has any interest in the details of the other’s views. Each sees the world in black or white terms, within which there is no room for subtlety or sophistication. The goal is singular---to win. It is definitely not to understand. The combatants engage in counter-punching, a near endless merry-go-round of conversational idiocy producing only negativity. Neither is able or willing to get off the “ride.”

Counter-punching is both simple and simplistic---whatever the other person says that one disagrees with must be instantly counteracted, denied, and preferably demolished. Anger is a primary emotional force, although other emotions are often present as well. Any tactic is acceptable: interruptions, mis-representation, lying, deflection, yelling, ad hominem attacks, or data avalanches are only a few of the disreputable methods. Clearly, counter-punching diminishes both the conversation and the combatants.

Happily there is an alternative, at least one for those with great discipline and courage.

The expansive conversation has no zero-sum game mentality. The guiding principle is increasing both clarity and understanding. It is exploratory. Neither person has an agenda, hidden or overt, to vanquish the other. In fact, each wants the other to feel safe from emotional trashing, but not from hearing challenging ideas. The parties do not fear having incorrect or incomplete ideas, and relish the conversation as a way to understand better. They have not invested huge emotion in their positions, and thus can be much more flexible in seeing alternative views. There is no need for either to change positions, although clearly this happens far more often than in restrictive conversations. Learning is a critical element. And this is true even when the conversation involves the most contentious issues, such as abortion, affirmative action, or climate change.

Creating an expansive conversation might look easy at first glance, but it’s hugely difficult to implement. Most of us engage in restrictive conversations, and have for many years, often decades. Changing the old reactive behavior patterns is extremely difficult and usually (if I am any example) takes many years of practice. That’s why I emphasize discipline and courage. Practice means using every interaction, day-in and day-out, benign or not, to work on becoming less reactive and more reflective, more questioning and more expansive. Paradoxically, we are most tested by, and derive the most benefit from engaging with people who use the highly unpleasant restrictive conversation style. Those folks are like gold, to be cherished. Only through them can we make real progress.

You see and do not see.

You hear and do not hear.

The Buddha weeps.

"Questionable" Musings

We all lose innocence, only it used to take some time. Perhaps from age five to twenty, and gradually. Today it seems the young have no innocence period. In some ways they know more about the world at eight than we did at eighteen, and that knowing came very quickly. No time to digest and no way to really appreciate what such worldly knowledge really means.

What will be the cost?

Much of Eastern spiritual thought and practice involves paradoxes. Not the everyday ones---you can’t be in two places at the same time. But those that carry a load of complexity and wisdom, resistant to simplistic “either/or” formulations. “Sometimes the only way to catch your breath is to lose it completely.” (Tyler Knott Gregson, poet)

What does this statement mean, metaphorically?

Wide-scale societal freedom (liberty) is a relatively recent development. Arising perhaps only in the last 150 years or so. It is embodied in the US Constitution: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The French revolution valued things similarly: Liberty, equality, fraternity. But there is a big difference---equality. Consider: “Freedom means inequality,” economically and otherwise.

Like it or not, what evidence makes that statement true? Societal implications?

David R. Loy (A New Buddhist Path) says: “The Greek experiment with democracy failed for the same reasons that our modern experiment with democracy is in danger of failing: unless social reconstruction is accompanied by personal reconstruction, democracy merely empowers the ego-self.”

What is “personal reconstruction,” and how is it related to solving social and cultural problems?

“The Road Not Taken,” by Robert Frost. Part of the second stanza seems to question why the traveler took one road and not the other.

“Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same.”

Why the apparent ambiguity?

From Solzhenitsyn’s 1978 Harvard commencement address: “The defense of individual rights has reached such extremes as to make society as a whole defenseless against certain individuals. It’s time, in the West, to defend not so much human rights as human obligations.”

A telling comment. These days we hear from the media, politicos, and activists a continuous cry for more rights for this person, that group.

Why no mention of obligations, responsibilities?

The “no-free-will” crowd says all our behaviors arise solely from the interaction of genes and environment. Stephen Cave (“The Atlantic” June 2016) says, “The contemporary scientific image of human behavior is one of neurons firing, causing other neurons to fire, causing our thoughts and deeds, in an unbroken chain that stretches back to our birth and beyond.” We do not make any choices consciously that have not already been made for us by neurons not under our control. Determinism will not die.

What sustains such a belief, especially among scientists who understand chaos and complexity?

We argue vociferously about whether there is a grand Truth (or more than one) or just our own individual truths, which may not be shared by others. That we all have our unique truths seems evident. A grand Truth applicable to all can be believed to exist but cannot be proven to exist. God, for example, or universe-wide oneness.

Notwithstanding, do all societies need one or more shared grand Truths to function properly?

Ansel Adams said, “There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a poor concept.” True of course regarding cameras, but also true as a metaphor. Reality is fluid and complex, with causes and effects unclear, and filled with unpredictable outcomes. Anxiety over this condition encourages some to construct illusory worlds, ones substituting for a too-challenging reality. Political partisans (any stripe) come to mind.

How is Adams’ statement applicable to partisans (really to anyone who lives even a partial illusory existence)?

From Victor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Few would disagree with this.

So why is there so much unhealthy interpersonal conflict, even among friends and relatives?

Perhaps the most interesting question of all: “Who do you think you are?”

Chinese Folk Poem: "The Human Route"

Much wisdom is lost because it is obscure or difficult. Often worse, it may be ambiguous or even apparently self-contradictory, not a condition favored in today's certainty-driven world. Contrarian thinking may be the only salvation when confronted with such wisdom, if any thinking at all will work.

Below is a poem I came across recently which entranced me (provenance uncertain). Its statements and questions got my blood going, the questions especially. But the last question is the big one. Who will take a stab at that gem, and what wisdom lieth therein?

Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed, that is human.
When you were born, where did you come from?
When you die, where do you go?
Life is like a floating cloud, which appears.
Death is like a floating cloud, which disappears.
The floating cloud itself originally does not exist.
Life and death, coming and going, are also like that.
But there is one thing that always remains clear.
It is pure and clear,
Not depending on life and death.

Then what is the one and clear thing?

 

What's Wrong With "No Borders"?

Nothing, other than the fact that it is for the most part unworkable.  

Ah, I bet that got your attention, and maybe none too pleasantly at that. Well, for those who are agitated, fret not. I am not going talk (at least right now) about country borders. But if I am not talking about country borders, what am I talking about? Let’s start at ground level---thee and me, and our need for healthy personal boundaries, a kind of border. 

Psychologists tell us that personal boundaries are critical to emotional health and quality relationships. They are the limits we set in relationships or interactions “…that allow us to protect ourselves from being manipulated by, or enmeshed with, emotionally needy others.” (John Stibbs. hiddenhurt.com.uk).  

People lacking healthy personal boundaries suffer, and cause others to suffer. Often weak in self worth, they attempt to fill the void inside either by allowing their own boundaries to collapse or by invading and diminishing those of others. Boundary invasions can also be carried out by people who have adequate self-esteem, but who insist on getting their way by any means necessary. Guilt trips are a classic boundary invasion trick, as are anger, a victim posture, ridicule, sulking, and the silent treatment, to name only a few of the most obvious. They are all disrespectful attempts to manipulate another person into doing something she does not want to do.  

An example of allowing boundaries to collapse occurs when parents cede control of the house to their children, who dictate to a large degree what they will eat, what they will watch on TV, whom they will play with, when they will go to bed, how long they will use their I-pads, etc. Failure of the parents to agree with the child may precipitate a fit at one level, or a house-rendering melt-down at another. By not establishing reasonable limits and enforcing those, the parents have placed themselves in a well-being deficit, and there is no easy way out. Bad outcomes for the parents and just as bad for the children, who learn that boundary invasion is a way to get what they want---a view of life they are very likely to carry into adulthood. 

But it is not only inadequate self-worth, or the desire to manipulate another, that contributes to ill-defined personal borders. Social media can dissolve boundaries as well. In a fine article from The Hedgehog Review, (“Uneasy in Digital Zion”), the authors address the loss of boundaries that people heavily connected are experiencing. “Among the interview participants, there was a vague sense that traditional boundaries and norms surrounding public discourse and privacy were shifting in ways they couldn’t understand.” One participant commented that she could get lost on Facebook or other such media. She “…wanted to see herself as an autonomous agent, able to use her digital technologies with purpose and control. But she consistently got lost, her attention dissolving as she was drawn into the endless stream of information on her Facebook newsfeed.” Another participant simply said, “There’s no boundaries, no boundaries.”  

This loss of borders in media access is due in part to the medium itself, demanding in its addictive attractiveness nearly constant attention. It is also due to the nature of personal interactions (friending, etc.) which are similarly demanding. My college students tell me that when receiving a text from a friend, no matter how unimportant, they must respond very quickly or face punishment. This is definitely a boundary issue. 

The above are just a few examples of how we can lose our own boundaries or invade those of others in interpersonal interactions. And as the pressures and uncertainties of everyday life increase, the more we push to get what we want at others’ expense. The structures, processes and relationships that once provided a sense of foundation or relative certainty (even if flawed) are mostly gone, leaving each person emotionally adrift and left to her own devices. Validation and support do not come from healthy sources, but from our insistence on getting what we want when we want it. We feel both frightened about not getting our desires met, and entitled to having them met, breeding a sense of desperation. Acting out through boundary invasion is a typical response. Unhealthy for the individuals as well as for the society. 

It is clear that all individuals need healthy emotional boundaries. But where else are borders needed? At any level of interpersonal interaction, no matter what the form. Families, groups, organizations, governments all need to have relatively clearly defined borders or their functioning is impaired. Such borders offer unique challenges, often different from what we as individuals experience.  

I will address these borders in another post.

 

There is a story about a man approaching the Buddha and asking him:

 

Are you a god?

No, said the Buddha.

Then, what are you?

I am awake. 

We all know what being awake in a normal sense means, but that is clearly not what the Buddha had in mind, which is complete freedom from illusion and attachment, a very important topic already dealt with by many wise and competent thinkers and writers. I want to talk about a particular illusion that interferes with our awakening on a daily basis---the illusion created by self-deception, which has two aspects to it. 

 

Freedom from illusions is a state we all want to achieve, at least those who are aware that they are living a life of illusions---a rare group if my experience is any judge. But getting to that state is very difficult and often takes a lifetime (or more than one). Of our many illusions, perhaps the most damaging is that involving the usually very positive stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, a topic I have addressed a number of times. The problem? Psychologists have shown that many of those stories are partially or even totally false, yet we believe them absolutely. Such a condition practically guarantees we will have trouble awakening from our illusory slumber. 

This condition is neatly put by Pema Chodron, a prolific American Buddhist nun. She says, “By weaving our opinions, prejudices, strategies, and emotions into a solid reality, we try to make a big deal out of ourselves….” Clearly, this attempt is doomed to failure. Try as we might, we cannot make a big deal of ourselves, but we can surely make ourselves emotionally and spiritually smaller in the effort. 

Because most of our stories are lodged firmly in the unconscious, we obviously have no access to them. Thus, when we act out a story element and receive a strange or obstructive response from another person, we can only blame the other person or the circumstances. It can’t be me, the unconscious “loudly” proclaims. One of my stories years ago was that I was objective, a view that I held with absolute certainty. Naturally, I resented it when others either disagreed outright or implied I was less than I thought. I had deluded myself, and others had caught me out, causing me suffering. But I rejected them and their views, blaming them for my suffering, allowing me to wallow a bit longer in my self-deception. I had mirrors all around me, and failed to take advantage of them---my damaging illusion persisted. 

The second big category of illusions deals with views we hold about the nature of the world. We take for real our opinions, beliefs, values, and positions to the point that they HAVE to be true or our world takes a nasty shaking. We have invested great emotion and commitment in this illusion, as we do with all of them. The mere thought that it might be erroneous is terrifying, at least unconsciously, which means that this great anxiety goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. We try to disguise the fear by telling ourselves that our views are absolutely correct, but in the end we will pay the price for this fraud. As economists are wont to say, there is no free lunch. 

As I have said a number of times, our political views are among the worst of these illusions. They are often held with monumental rigidity and gross (used in both senses of the word) levels of self-righteousness. But whether it’s political views, or any others, the prominent characteristic is a desire that insists the world be what we want it to be. We deceive ourselves by imagining that we can force the world to do our bidding---ensuring that our illusory views are perfect. Naturally, when it fails to comply, we are shocked, furious or depressed. We have failed to understand the nature and origin of our self-deceptions, and thus of our suffering. Because of this we likely to export our suffering to others, which will seriously compromise our relations with them. 

Underlying and making worse the challenge of our self-deceptions is that we are firmly attached to them, whatever their form. Most of us seeking personal development recognize that attachment is the bane of a balanced and wholesome existence. But we still expend huge amounts of psychic energy ignoring the evidence of reality and trying to maintain our fictions. We are often encouraged in this futile effort through associations with others who share our illusions, or who, tit for tat, allow us our illusions if we do the same for them---the great dance of “let’s pretend.” In this state, we and they live in a self-referencing, self-congratulatory and self-deceiving world that is the enemy of awakening.  

But let us assume that some intrepid self-examiners see that part of being awake is appreciating that they have stories and opinions which are to some degree false, and that part of their lives are lived as illusions. This is a terrific realization, but more is needed. While vital to the self-discovery process, understanding is of little value if we do nothing with what we have uncovered. This is the often sad truth about attending seminars, reading books, listening to even high quality gurus---they are inputs, not outcomes. As wonderful as those activities can be, without the will to change, to dispossess ourselves of the illusions, we will merely have added yet another illusion to the unfortunate list. We have assumed that the activities are equivalent to the changes we want to see. And why not? It’s a hell of a lot less work than actually engaging ourselves around our challenged existence and practicing every day for years to work through our illusions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Defending

In previous posts I have mentioned a book that I like very much, a very inspiring one. It is The Second Book of the Tao, by Stephen Mitchell. There is a world or two of wisdom in it, and one of my favorite entries relates to the idea of no opposition.

When nothing is left to argue with

and there is nothing to oppose,

you will find yourself at peace

and in harmony with all things.”

These are the last four lines from a longer piece, about which I could easily write two or more posts, but in this one I want to talk only about these lines.

We interact with others constantly, and each of those interactions offers chances for things to go well or poorly. More often than we would like, we find ourselves enmeshed in a difficult, if not hostile, interaction. Serenity, assuming we had any to begin with, is gone in an instant. Harmony? Gone as well. Why? Because we have allowed ourselves to be captured by the trouble of the moment (opposition) and, embodying that trouble, respond in unhealthy ways. Such engagements are unpleasant because they are nearly always characterized by an “I-win, you-lose” posture, and frequently animated by the damaging needs to be right or to be certain (see last post). 

These engagements call to us to defend our own views and oppose the other’s. In our lucid moments, most of us will agree that this seldom produces anything of benefit, with the usual outcome being negative, with anger, resistance, denial, accusations and ad hominem attacks in abundance. Even if the parties are calm and composed, if the need to win or prevail characterizes the engagement, that calmness will go for nothing. 

What should I do with the following statement directed at me? “Your views on government intervention in the economy are crazy.” This person is pitching a hard ball, hoping I will try to hit it out of the park, precipitating an unpleasant free-for-all. He is ready and hoping for a battle royale. In full opposition mode, I try to overwhelm him with data, mis-representations, outright lies, emotional diatribes, anything to win. He, of course, does precisely the same. But what if there is nothing to defend, nothing to oppose. There is no hard ball and there is no hit. But there may be peace and harmony for both of us if I manage the conversation (myself) to mutual benefit. 

But what does “nothing to defend” mean? It means that, no matter how important the view is to me, I invest it with no emotion, nor do I have an exaggerated (or any) commitment to its correctness. I understand that it counts for nothing beyond my own mind. What is important at the moment is the interaction with another person who has different views. My important view does not dictate how I will respond to opposing views. The need to defend arises because I want to have a particular outcome, either to change someone or to punish them for having opposing views, goals which are sure to elicit unpleasant oppositional reactions.  

Can we be in harmony and contest another’s view. Sure, but everything depends on our attitude toward the view and our concern for the well being of the other person. If we are empty of the need to defend our view simply because we think it right or because it is ours, if we are empty of the need to change or punish the other person, our interactions will go well. With that emptiness we can inquire with and engage the other person in ways that do not make them wrong, but which lead to greater clarity, understanding and connection. Further, good friends can debate and argue with no emotional ill-effects when it is clear to both that it is the interaction that matters and not the outcome of the debate.  

With emptiness of the need to defend we interact with “opponents” in ways that are healthy and respectful for both, and which allow us to reach higher levels of harmony---needed more than ever in today’s contentious and unbalanced world.